I received this e-mail from Terry Goodlad and I know it has been a topic we have discussed before. I wanted to post this e-mail along with the article below…
“I have contacted each of you simply because each of you has a huge mailing list, a ton of friends on facebook, and most certainly the respect of many. While we have covered the subject of abuse well on Bodysport in the past I have been reminded recently that so many more women are still in need of help. I can’t pass on names but I was contacted by two people very recently that we all know very well that are in physically and mentally abusive relationships. It’s a very sad story, very upsetting, and very frustrating as one of the girls thinks she can change it and is setting herself up for more of what she has gotten in abundance already or worse.
I want to make as many women as possible aware of what abuse is and what they can do to get out or help someone else that is living that way. I need your help to do that more effectively.
I am asking each of you personally to post a link to this on your facebook, websites, forums, twitter, forums, and pass it on to all of those on your mailing lists. Share it with whomever you can. You are all leaders and you have a chance to help women that are living in hell right now.
This is the link to the story. I invite you to read it first of course and if you feel right about what I have written then please help spread the word.”
Thank you all very much
Terry Goodlad
http://www.bodysport.com/joomla/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=497:the-tragedy-of-abuse-lives-here-among-us&catid=86:our-two-cents
On the morning of June 5/2008 the fitness world awoke like any other day, took a long soothing breath of fresh morning air then lazily turned on their computers to discover the shocking and tragic news that one of it’s top competitive athletes had been brutally murdered. The assailant was not a random stranger, crazed fan, or serial killer and it wasn’t done by accident. The man who violently took her life and then his own was a man she knew well that she had loved and who had professed to love her yet consistently controlled and abused her throughout their relationship.
The morning that Amanda Savell’s bullet riddled body was discovered the websites reporting the news and the forums discussing it went ballistic as everyone who had known her scoured the internet for not only details, but credible information, disbelieving that it could be true. How could one of our own and someone like her could be this kind of a victim? She was so strong, so together, so on top of the sport and presumably on top of the world. She was not how you would stereotype an abuse victim so it was hard to accept that she would stand by and take it, that she would be a victim. But she was.
Amanda Savell was mentally and physically strong, successful, stunningly beautiful and could have had virtually any man she wanted. In other words she was the last person anyone would suspect to be, or allow herself to be a victim of abuse. She chose to be with her abuser and she chose to stay despite friends and family pleading for her to get out and stay away. So you have to ask the question why.
While the answers to that seemingly simple question would require volumes to explain completely, suffice it to say that the reasons are not as simple as those on the outside see them to be. For the women locked into the abuse cycle, there is so much more to it than just packing your stuff and leaving, calling the cops, or asking for help. Women that are in abusive relationships are not stupid, weak, uneducated, or of a lesser class. They just don’t see things from the inside the way we do from a safe distance away. But given the right circumstances, as much as you would say that you would never let it happen to you, it could.
2010-abuse_cycle
No woman gets into an abusive relationship by choice. A majority of the time they are not weak. In fact most of the time they are much stronger in many aspects of their lives than their abuser. Abuse is most times a slow erosion rather than something that happens overnight. Anyone’s way of thinking and doing can be altered by any relationship.
When you were a young girl (or perhaps even now) did you have a girlfriend in your life who took control your time, guilt triped you when you don’t do as she would liked, or made you feel bad about yourself or self conscious? Are you still her friend but find it easier to just modify your behavior a little when with her or just let it run off your back rather than have a messy conflict with her over it. Do you have a trainer that has a little more control over your life than an employee perhaps should have, but you brush it off because he is “guiding your career”? Despite denying that you would ever allow yourself to be in an abusive relationship, you may well be in one right now. The principles are the same, the severity of the situation is what changes.
Prior to Amanda Savell’s cold-blooded murder at the hands of her ex-boyfriend and convicted drug dealer Dave Jacobs, stories revealing the surprisingly common instances of abuse among fitness athletes, figure athletes, and fitness models were all but non-existent. It was a dirty little secret that was kept hidden beneath the glitter of rhinestones and stage lights and the glamour of the fitness superstar lifestyle.
If any good can be found in Amanda Savell’s death it would be that because it was so shocking and so close to home, the women that shared a stage with her or could identify with her suddenly realized the danger they were in and admitted to themselves that they weren’t happy and those women started to speak out. They began to correctly realize that they were living a life that was not just painful and tragic, but potentially deadly to them, their children, family, and friends.
Jane Awad was the first that shared her story publicly on Fitness, Figure and Bikini Talk Radio just days after Amanda’s murder. Jane was brutalized for years as we watched her compete, took her pictures, admired and envied her for her success and what her life must have been. She barely got out with her life.
Then it was Jennifer Gates came forward and went public on Fitness, Figure and Bikini Talk Radio about her years of abuse at the hands of two husbands on the heels of her second taking his own life. Just a short time before he killed himself, he had quit his job, started drinking heavily, and tried to get his guns back that had been taken away the year before during a domestic dispute. He was not successful thank God as the chance he was intending on taking out Jennifer and their two children before he took his own life was very high.
Hazal Nelson came forward on Fitness, Figure and Bikini Talk Radio and told her heartbreaking story of vicious abuse at the hands of her ex-husband that included the brutal beatings she would be subjected to in her hotel room just moments before going on stage at the contests she had competed in.
Since then, many others have come forward, some of them publicly, most of them privately, with their stories of being in abusive relationships. We have done radio shows on the topic and written articles warning of the signs. We have opened up discussions on our Bodysport forums and an alarming number of women in our industry have come forward with their stories of all manners of abuse from boyfriends, husbands, and even trainers and coaches. In the past month I have personally been contacted by a handful of our fitness industry “celebrities” with their stories of abuse. Three of them were extremely violent cases and in one of them she was told she was going to be killed, raped, and then was summarily tortured physically and emotionally for hours before she was able to diffuse the situation. These are people you know, and know well.
Of the three, one is still in the relationship and says things are different now and that she had to make some changes. If you look at the chart above she is in Phase 4 – the honeymoon phase, and in time she will be abused again. She thinks she can control it like every abuse victim does. In time she will learn that she can’t and hopefully will get out and hopefully she won’t have to pay too great a price before then. Another is in the process of getting out and fears for her life every day. The third is out and past the danger and her life has changed incredibly, she even looks different, and is happy for the first time since she can remember.
We have a problem in our industry. It’s unfortunately a problem that comes often times with being beautiful, successful, and seemingly strong. They don’t look like victims so it’s easy to hide the fact that they are. There are some questions you can ask yourself and when you are talking to your friends, listen for these signs. Your friend may need help and not realize it until you tell her.
You may be in an abusive relationship if he or she:
* Is jealous or possessive toward you.
(Jealousy is the primary symptom of abusive relationships; it is also a core component of Sexual Addictions and Love Addiction.)
* Tries to control you by being very bossy or demanding.
* Tries to isolate you by demanding you cut off social contacts and friendships.
* Is violent and / or loses his or her temper quickly.
* Pressures you sexually, demands sexual activities you are not comfortable with.
* Abuses drugs or alcohol.
* Claims you are responsible for his or her emotional state. (This is a core diagnostic criteria for Codependency.)
* Blames you when he or she mistreats you.
* Has a history of bad relationships.
* Your family and friends have warned you about the person or told you that they are concerned for your safety or emotional well being.
* You frequently worry about how he or she will react to things you say or do.
* Makes “jokes” that shame, humiliate, demean or embarrass you, weather privately or around family and friends.
* Your partner grew up witnessing an abusive parental relationship, and/or was abused as a child.
* Your partner “rages” when they feel hurt, shame, fear or loss of control.
* Both parties in abusive relationships may develop or progress in drug or alcohol dependence in a (dysfunctional) attempt to cope with the pain.
* You leave and then return to your partner repeatedly, against the advice of your friends, family and loved ones.
* You have trouble ending the relationship, even though you know inside it’s the right thing to do.
Does the person you are with…
* Constantly keep track of your time?
* Act jealous and possessive?
* Accuse you of being unfaithful or flirting?
* Discourage your relationships with friends and family?
* Prevent or discourage you from working, interacting with friends or attending school?
* Constantly criticize or belittle you?
* Control all finances and force you to account for what you spend? (Reasonable cooperative budgeting excepted.)
* Humiliate you in front of others? (Including “jokes” at your expense.)
* Destroy or take your personal property or sentimental items?
* Have affairs?
* Threaten to hurt you, your children or pets? Threaten to use a weapon?
* Push, hit, slap, punch, kick, or bite you or your children?
* Force you to have sex against your will, or demand sexual acts you are uncomfortable with?
You can’t fix it, you can’t change him, and nothing you do or change about yourself will make a difference because it’s not about your behavior, it’s about his need to control you, plain and simple. You can’t fix that.
Most women statistically will go through countless cycles before they finally accept abuse for what it is. They all think they can somehow change themselves, the situation, or the man they are being abused by to make it better.
If these questions have caused some concern in your mind or upset you in any way you may want to talk to someone. Don’t wait. Abuse follows an escalating cycle, but it never gets better and no matter what you may feel at times, it’s not your fault. No one, no matter who you are or what you think you have done, has the right to abuse you.
www.domesticviolence.org
By Terry Goodlad